Monday July 26, 2021
I didn’t drink yesterday. I hid under a blanket all day, watched Netflix, ate chips, napped, and didn’t drink. This morning I feel relieved to have my sober self back. After drinking four days in a row I felt like I’d lost my head. I was all foggy, anxious, and felt disconnected from my body.
Something I realized about drinking over this last little bout, is that alcohol is like Heroin to me. I get such a high from it that it scares me. One of the days I was drinking we were sitting in a beautiful winery by the lake, I was sipping on my second sparkling Rose and I thought to myself, “Wow! I LOVE drinking! This feels SO amazing!” I felt like I was more animated, energetic, talkative, outgoing, giggly and fun. I felt like Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat after months of feeling kind of monotone. But it also felt wrong. I think that as I’ve gotten to know myself as a non-drinker, I realize that I am not all of those things I just described above, and that’s okay. In fact I prefer the real me without the drug enhancements. I can rely on the real me as a stable, calm, and reasonable person. The problem with the high I get from alcohol is that it’s part of a roller coaster ride and you eventually come down the other side. As I wrote about yesterday, that day ended with me puking twice, going to bed early and not remembering the second half of the night. I’m not sure that amounts to fun. While I wouldn’t have had the super high “HIGH” in the beautiful vineyard in the afternoon without drinking, I would have lasted out the evening to enjoy the sunset and some music around the campfire, gone to bed with a clear head, had a good sleep and woken up to enjoy the sunrise with a nice cup of coffee.
As much as I enjoyed the high that I felt from drinking over these past few days, already by day 4 I wasn’t feeling it as much anymore and was just drinking to feel better. That’s where it all ends up. And the way I felt the day after drinking is the worst feeling in the world to me. It’s not even a hangover that I feel, but anxiety, like my head is floating off my body, like I want to crawl out of my own skin. It’s hard to describe but it’s a terrible feeling.
Another piece of that feeling is fear. I just feel scared. There’s nothing specific that I’m actually afraid of, but there’s just an unsettling feeling of fear in the pit of my stomach. I think I actually feel afraid of myself. I’m afraid of the loss of control I get from alcohol, afraid of what I might do or how the evening might end up, afraid of how I will feel the next day, and afraid that I won’t be able to stop myself from drinking again and again.
Today I am relieved that I am my sober self.