Monday February 28, 2022
2 months!
Here I am at the end of two months alcohol free again and things are going great! I haven’t had a moment of craving since day one and feel that I have successfully brainwashed myself out of ever wanting to drink again. I literally have zero desire to drink alcohol and feel happy, healthy, and proud of myself every morning I wake up and knowing that I did not drink the night before.
One thing that I would like to explain about my drinking that I maybe haven’t written about before, is that I’ve come to realize that it was covering up and anesthetizing some of my deepest desires and sorrows. My husband and I tried for a few years to have children, I went through four traumatic miscarriages and we stopped there, deciding that maybe it just wasn’t meant to be for us. At the same time, we were going through a serious illness with his older son from a previous marriage, which then led to several years of difficulties with their mother and ultimately destroyed our relationship with his two boys. They still FaceTime once a week, but we haven’t spent time with them in over two years.
After 5 years of marriage, and 9 years together, we have found ourselves childless and all of the love and doting we would have put into children, is directed at our sweet Bernedoodle Gabby.
Anyway, long story short, when I was drinking I was able to pack all of the emotions around this neatly away in a tiny corner of my brain and numb it all out with alcohol. I wasn’t thinking about not having children, because all I could focus on was my next drink. However, each time I’ve taken an extended break from drinking, these emotions have come bubbling back to the surface. Eventually I would start drinking again and that would solve the problem.
This time I decided that I wasn’t going to solve the problem with alcohol. These are things I needed to get sorted out for once and for all.
So after lots of thought and many long conversations, we have decided we are going to pursue having children of our own. At the moment we’re exploring a few different avenues including adoption, and fertility treatment. We’re both very excited and I’m happy to be finally sorting things out rather than just pushing them away and adding alcohol. This is another reason why I think this attempt to be alcohol free, for once and for all, will be a success. I’ve wasted enough time in my life being wasted rather than actually dealing with my problems. Now it’s time to get sorted out and move forward.