Pink Clouds Again

Monday January 25th, 2021

Day 21

The Pink Clouds seem to have come early this time around. Maybe it was easier for my body to get to this part faster because I had quit for almost eight months before my recent four-month stint of drinking. Maybe it’s like muscle memory and my body is just saying loud and clear, to ensure there is no confusion, “Yes! Thank you!! This is what works best for us!” The only annoying part is that I’ve been having some trouble sleeping for the past couple of weeks and I don’t remember having this problem the last time around. Last time I started having the most blissful and satisfying sleeps about a week or so after I’d stopped. I would sleep like a log, waking up early and excited to get my sober day started but having slept through the night.

Lately I’m waking up several times a night, hoping that it’s morning and time to wake up, but it’s not. I’m also waking up super early, like 4:30-5:30 a.m. early and last night I went to bed at 9:00 and woke up at 12:30, 3:30, and then now at 5:30 and finally got up. I think I’m just so thrilled I didn’t drink — and therefore don’t feel crappy and hungover — that I just want to get up and enjoy my sober self! That sounds a bit weird, but overall I’m feeling super excited, hopeful and happy these days. I’ve actually started to worry that I’m feeling too happy and I’m heading for a crash someday soon. I’ve had ZERO cravings to drink since my slip on January 4th, and after a few days of sluggishness and moodiness, I’ve just been feeling FANTASTIC! EVERY DAY!

Obviously none of this is really a problem. Like, “Hey everyone! I’m feeling great! What should I do?” I know…………poor me. It’s just more annoying than anything that I’m so excited to wake up that I can’t sleep. Like a kid on Christmas Eve! Every day! I’m such a nerd.

I suppose I should enjoy it while it lasts and prepare for the inevitable crash. Or at least if not a crash, then maybe a bit of a downswing where I might have to have my tools and strategies ready to manage a bad day and avoid cracking open a bottle. For now I guess I’ll just keep riding the Pink Clouds.

Happy Monday everyone! xx

Trashy

Saturday January 23rd, 2021

Day 19

I don’t want to offend anyone by this post, but I found last year when I stopped drinking, and now as well, the further away I get from alcohol the more trashy it seems to me. I don’t mean the normal kind of drinking where someone might have a glass of wine or two to celebrate or relax. I mean the kind of drinking that I was doing and that I’ve come to realize more and more, is not completely uncommon.

Why not knock back a glass of wine at the end of the day? Or maybe a bottle? No judgement, everybody’s doing it. How about some morning mimosas at brunch? A little bubbly at lunch anyone? Even better, how about Rose All Day? And the whole Mommy Juice culture. Now I’m not a mommy, but I certainly would have bought into that one. Hard. You’re a mom, you put so much into your children and family so you deserve your mommy juice in a sippy cup while you push your kid on a swing and gossip with friends. I totally would have been the drunk mom at the park passing it off as OK because everybody’s doing it. That’s trashy to me. And the way I consumed alcohol, by the bottle, and almost every day because I work hard and I deserve it. That’s also trashy to me. Kids or no kids.

One time a few years ago, the hubby’s oldest son who was maybe around 9 years old at the time made a comment about my drinking that will always stick with me. We were out for dinner and I of course, was on my third glass of white wine and he looked at me and said, “You know the human body is 50% percent water? I think your body is 50% wine.” Gross. It was gross that he noticed, and gross that it was basically true. I was the trashy, drunk stepmom. We all laughed and carried on with dinner, but it definitely stuck with me. We don’t see the boys anymore, which is a whole other post for another time, but every now and then in between my sadness about not having children, I’ve felt relieved that I didn’t and therefore couldn’t impose my drinking habits on little ones. Growing up with an alcoholic father, I always swore I would never end up with someone like him. An alcoholic. Funny how things turn out though because when I was young I never imagined that I would grow up and BE him. That I would be the alcoholic.

Someone wrote in a comment the other day to my Big Alcohol post that they felt the tides were turning and someday drinking would go the way of smoking and be viewed as very toxic and kind of seedy. I think that could be true. That’s how I feel about drinking now, whether I’m on the wagon or off.

To end this post, I’d like to reiterate that I don’t mean to be offensive to anyone by calling drinking trashy. I have friends reading this blog who are drinkers but in a very normal way. I recognize that I have a drinking problem, and that does not apply to everyone who drinks. There’s something about the way that I was drinking that felt trashy to me. Drink on every occasion and not just a glass or two to be social. Drink your face off on Friday and Saturday nights, maybe throw in a Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday as well because, why not? I work hard and I deserve it. Empty wine bottles piling up in a box in the kitchen. Purple teeth and passed out by 9 p.m. Drunk on a Sunday afternoon for no particular reason. Trying to guzzle away the hangover with coffee while getting ready for another Monday morning. I was drunk at my wedding. I remember it was such a humid, June day, and my gigantic dress was making my legs hot and sweaty. After a few glasses of wine I started hiking my dress up almost to my panties to let my legs cool. Classy.

I recall my sister looking at me from across the room with a disapproving look on her face and mouthing, “Are you okay?” It was her nice way of saying, “Put your fucking dress down you drunk!” She also reminded me ever so politely and with a chuckle the next day that the hubby and I had been grinding on the dance floor. Ugh.

That’s where the trashy comes in. All of that to me is trashy. And all of this is helpful for me to remember; I never again have to be that person with the “ugh” feeling in my stomach the next day because of my trashy drinking and consequent behaviour.

Happy to be Sober

Thursday January 22nd, 2021

Day 18

The other evening I went for a (socially distanced) walk on the beach with a longtime friend. She’s a drinking friend, meaning that our top choice of things to do together has always been to drink. A lot. I would say that she also struggles with her alcohol intake as many of my close friends from high school do. We all started drinking together at 14, and I learned through my reading last year that people who start drinking in their teens are more likely to develop drinking problems in adulthood. Who knew? But it makes total sense. Kind of funny that this information was surprising.

Anyway, my friend also drinks too much but she puts an incredible amount of effort into controlling her drinking and she’s always been more successful than me at that. I’m an all or nothing kind of gal. I either need to eat the whole bag of chips, or none at all. The whole bottle of wine, or none at all. Drink most days of the week, or none at all. Over the years she’s figured out systems for herself to keep things under control, but I know she worries about her drinking and would like to cut back because she talks about it a lot. On our walk she was telling me that she and her husband are doing Dry January, as they usually do, and she’s feeling so great and can’t believe that she gets to feel this way every day. She also said she’s really cut down on her intake of Advil. And she said she was happy to discover it wasn’t difficult for her at all to stop drinking in January. A few sentences later she mentioned she had told her husband she was craving pizza and wine for dinner, but then said she was just joking and maybe she was just craving pizza because of PMS. She also told me her husband was suggesting they continue not drinking through February as the lockdown persists because they won’t have to be tempted by any social gatherings or nights out with friends. He’s a much heavier drinker than she is and probably deep down worries even more than she does about his drinking. Her response to him was that she wasn’t ready to think about that. She’s already planning the next time she gets to drink, and I think that’s getting her through January.

Last year when I stopped drinking she cheered me on through January while she was also not drinking, but then for the next six months or so while I continued to be sober, I didn’t hear from her much and she never mentioned drinking again. I was surprised that she didn’t check in to ask how I was doing every now and then, because it wasn’t easy, but we basically never talked about it again after January. She only started talking to me about drinking again when I fell off the wagon and started drinking again in August. I remember sitting outside at our farmhouse with her, both of us sipping some wine, and she asked me what triggered me to start drinking again. I felt like she was kind of feigning concern and support, but she hadn’t cared to offer that support during the previous eight months when I was sober. An interesting comment she made as well was all about her own drinking. She said, “I was thinking about your drinking and I think we both drink the same amount, it’s just that you drink more frequently.” I agreed with her because we do both drinking a bottle in one sitting, but I probably drinking 5-6 days of the week while she might drink 3-4 days of the week. It dawned on me that she was using me as a gauge for her own drinking. It probably made her feel better to compare herself to me and determine that I have a problem because I drink 5-6 days of the week, while she doesn’t because she only drinks 3-4 days of the week.

She texted me the other day and said, “It’s a wonder that I drink at all! I feel so much better, I sleep better, I have more energy, and I even look better when I’m not drinking!” I just responded, “Yup. It’s true.”

I know she’s struggling with her drinking, but she needs to come to her own realizations and conclusions about it. Luckily she doesn’t read this blog (I sent her the link a year ago but she never looked at it), because I don’t think she’d appreciate this post. When she talks about drinking though, it makes me realize how much I don’t want to be in that mental struggle anymore. It’s exhausting. Always trying to figure out ways to control it, not being able to control it, feeling crappy about yourself, wondering if you need to stop, worrying about it, regretting the night before, trying to stay healthy but ruining your efforts every week with alcohol. If nothing else, it’s a relief to be free from that struggle. Like Belle Robertson’s book ‘Tired of Thinking About Drinking’, that’s exactly what it comes down to. It’s just so exhausting constantly thinking about drinking. I think the pink clouds come a while after you stop because you’re finally free from those chains.

Hum Drum

Wednesday January 20th, 2021

Day 16

That’s a bit how I feel today. Hum Drum. However, it is just a Wednesday smack dab in the middle of a grey and chilly January so………….it probably has less to do with not drinking than I think.

I’m finding in this round of stopping drinking, the novelty has kind of worn off. Last time when I stopped I would wake up every single morning and feel thrilled that I had not had a sip to drink the night before. Every day I felt like I had a new exciting secret: Being Sober Rocks! This time around it feels a bit old hat. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely feel good and I’m happy that I’ve made it halfway through January without drinking, but comparing it to almost 8 months last year, only 16 days feels so piddly. The frustrating part is that I don’t think I will start to feel REALLY proud of myself again until I’ve made it past the 8 month mark I almost made it to last time. Today I’m feeling a bit angry with myself that I fell off the wagon in August. If I hadn’t, I’d be celebrating over a year by this point. Oh well, one day at a time.

I’m also a bit annoyed with myself because I discovered yesterday that I’ve gained a few pounds. Last year when I stopped drinking I started losing weight immediately, but I was about ten pounds heavier than I am now so it just melted off without much effort. I was also paying more attention to what I was eating because I’d read that some people put on weight when they stop drinking. Recalling that I started to lose weight right away last year without even trying, this time around I’ve been eating whatever I want. Yesterday I weighed myself and took a few measurements for the first time in a while and I’ve gained a few pounds and added a few centimetres! That just seems utterly cruel and unfair. I mean I know it makes sense because I’m probably replacing alcohol with food to some degree, and I’ve been allowing myself lots of treats, but I just assumed the pounds would melt off again. Not so. Dammit! And here’s the funny bit: I hadn’t noticed the weight creeping on because I haven’t worn pants in so long! With working from home during lockdown, my daily uniform is stretchy leggings or sweatpants on bottom, and a presentable top for Zoom calls on top. I used to at least wear pants on a daily basis that signalled to me when it was time to cut down on the treats!

Today I will start working out again. Which is something I was doing more regularly last January as well. Currently, aside from a long walk the hubby and I take with Gabby every morning, and shorter one at the end of the day, we haven’t been doing a regular workout routine like last year. Time to get that going again.

Hopefully I will feel better and a little less Hum Drum tomorrow.

Happy Wednesday, xx

Two Weeks

Monday January 18th, 2021

Day 14

Today is Day 14 so I’ve officially made it two weeks alcohol free since my slip on January 4th. I’ve also officially made it through a weekend away at the farmhouse without drinking! Yahoo! Surprisingly it wasn’t as hard as I expected it to be. I actually really didn’t even think about drinking after Friday night. I enjoyed relaxing, reading, cooking some nice meals, and long walks on the snowy beach. And it all felt so much better sober. I woke up feeling rested and ready to get the day started in the morning, and after Friday night when I stressed about being a bore without booze, the evenings were nice as well.

I’m really feeling positive, strong, and firm in my decision not to drink. Going back to drinking for four months and then stopping again now, has really made it clear to me how much happier I am without alcohol in my life. When I think about the last four months of drinking, I can almost physically feel the stress, the irritability, the aches and discomfort in my body, the bone-deep and unrelenting tiredness.

Now at two weeks wine-free, the fatigue and brain fog have dissipated and I feel content, peaceful, and full of energy.

It’s also great to feel good on a Monday morning and ready to get the work week started. I would previously drink all weekend long, and particularly on Sunday afternoon/evening because I was dreading Monday. As you can imagine this made Mondays extra horrible! But not this Monday.

For anyone who is not feeling as positive as I am this Monday morning, because apparently the third Monday of January is the bluest (most depressing) day of the year, please hang in there. It’s going to get better. And something I noticed when I took Gabby to the dog park yesterday around 4:30 p.m., is that it stayed light until after 5:00!! So the days are getting longer. Stay hopeful. We will soon be out of the darkest part of the year, Trump is on his way out, and there’s a vaccine for this pandemic mess!! We’ll get through this.

Happy Monday xx

Big Alcohol

Sunday January 17th, 2021

Day 13

Why hasn’t Netflix done a documentary on the Alcohol Industry and how we’re all being brainwashed on a daily basis about alcohol? I read two blog posts this morning that have inspired me to write this one:

Flirting With Sobriety

https://formerdrinker.wordpress.com/2020/11/22/thank-god-for-sober-heroes/

Please check them out. They summarize the actual anger that I feel toward the alcohol industry. Think of the billions of dollars our governments draw from taxes on alcohol every year. Our societies rely on the sale of alcohol to function. And at the same time this substance is killing people, causing massive health problems for others, and creating mental health disorders for many. How is it even legal for a product that contains substances that are harmful to our health to be promoted as something we should drink ALL DAY?!? As in Rose All Day, which I know I’ve already ranted about, but it just seems to be the most explicit example of what is wrong with our entire culture around drinking. Those of us who drink too much, there’s something wrong with us and WE’RE the ones with the problem. Alcohol is not the problem.

Why is it that there’s only a small handful of us noticing that alcohol is actually a problem and quietly talking about it in blogs, podcasts and self-help books? But try finding anything related to the truth about alcohol in mainstream media. I can find a documentary on almost any other topic through my variety of streaming services, covering everything from the evils of Bjg Pharma and prescription drugs, to police brutality or the truth about sugar. But try looking for the truth about alcohol. Unless it’s some cheesy intervention show where we watch a “real alcoholic” stealing swigs of vodka from morning to night and stumbling through their day. That just confirms to us that they are “other”. They have a problem and I don’t because I don’t drink vodka, I don’t start drinking until 5 pm, and I am still able to hold down a job.

I think it’s time for the truth about alcohol to come out. I know so many people who are struggling but they don’t know, or won’t admit, it’s partly because of alcohol. Particularly now since the start of the pandemic. And it’s made out to be something humorous. Something we all laugh about through silly Instagram memes and posts. But it’s really not that funny. I think that most people who’ve been caught up in the lie of alcohol, are not really finding it that funny deep down. They’re struggling and trying to keep a balance and keep their shit together, but not realizing that alcohol is making their life more difficult.

That’s my rant for today. Thank you for listening.

😊xo

I’m a Bore

Saturday January 16th, 2021

Day 12

Being a bore is my biggest fear in all of this. Isn’t that nuts? How is it that my biggest concern in my addiction journey and what has ultimately led me back to alcohol in the past, is the fear of being a bore?

Last night, a Friday night, the hubby had bought a nice steak for himself and beautiful lambchops for me. We prepared a lovely dinner while the indoor wood stove crackled and music played in the background. Surprisingly I wasn’t really thinking about drinking or craving a drink at all, but I was feeling really tired (I got up at 4 a.m. yesterday excited to start the day at the farmhouse sober!!) and like a bit of a bore. When I was drinking we would normally have cracked open a bottle of red and be sipping on that during diner preparations and stoking the fire. The lovely glow of the fire, the wine in our bellies, and the anticipation of the upcoming meal making us both feel warm and content. And while I think we both still felt warm and content without wine and enjoyed the meal, I couldn’t stop worrying the entire time about how boring I must be.

I even asked the hubby at one point if it sucked to hang out with me because I’m so boring without alcohol and he actually got kind of annoyed. You see I’ve asked him this question about a million times over the past year and he’s always confirmed that no, I’m not boring because I’m not drinking. In fact, he’s said that sometimes he finds me more boring when I AM drinking. He’s always pointed out that after a few glasses of wine I get kind of zoned out and quiet. Then I usually end up tired and asleep on the couch by 8 pm because I’ve been drinking since 4 pm and I’m done.

So why is it that I can’t get it out of my head I’m a bore because I’m not drinking?

I sometimes just feel bad that the he’s stuck with someone who has a drinking problem. He can’t just enjoy a couple of glasses of wine on a Friday night with his wife, like a normal person. With me it’s either all or nothing and I’m pretty sure that going forward it’s going to be nothing (in terms of alcohol intake) for the foreseeable future.

Anyway, those are my thoughts for today. I still feel thrilled this morning that I didn’t drink last night, I’m not hungover, and don’t need to beat myself up about forgetting half of the previous night. It’s a cloudy, drizzly day here but we’re still going to make the best of it by taking the dog for a long walk on the beach! Hopefully this evening I’ll be less focused on my worries about being a bore 😊

Have a great Saturday everyone! Xx

Challenge Accepted

This is our farmhouse sunset view.

Friday January 15th, 2021

Day 11

Ever notice that when you’re drinking, all other life experiences take a backseat and become kind of irrelevant? Like sure, we can go out and sit by the fire pit and enjoy the beautiful sunset, but ultimately I don’t really care about the nice sunset, I just care that I have a glass of wine in my hand and there’s lots more to top up with when that glass needs a refill. The main event is drinking, all the time, and everything else is just background noise.

This morning I’m sitting in the cozy living room of my country farmhouse with my dog snoring quietly by my side, it’s 5 a.m., and I’m feeling super excited about my weekend here and experiencing everything sober. As I said in yesterday’s post, we came up last night and I was worried about being triggered to drink because this place is what triggered me to start drinking again in August after almost 8 months alcohol free. I basically spent the last 4.5 months drinking as much as possible here, and aside from our first week and a half which was a blur of unpacking, painting and putting furniture together, this is my first time being sober at this place since then.

I proud to say that I made it through last night and actually didn’t even think about drinking when we arrived around 8 pm. I was just tired and hungry so we unpacked, ate dinner, watched some Netflix and went to bed. I woke up REALLY early this morning (like 4 a.m. early!!) but I’m feeling happy and excited just to be here and not have a hangover, or struggling to remember what happened at the end of the night. I’m feeling peaceful and calm, and looking forward to enjoying the weekend alcohol free.

As I contemplate this in the quiet of the morning, I realize how much of my attention when we’ve been here over the last 4.5 months has gone to alcohol rather than enjoying the peace and beauty of my surroundings. But when you’re drinking, everything worthwhile is really just the backdrop. I could be sitting in our yard, watching the sun set over the acres of farmland that surround us, or I could be sitting in a dark, dingy basement on a mouldy couch and still think it was a pretty good Friday night as long as I have a bottle or two to ensure my wine glass stays full. I mean, obviously that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but you get the point. When I’m drinking, so much time and energy goes into thinking about drinking, waiting to drink, recovering from drinking, trying not to drink, that all the other things in life that are meaningful and worthwhile, kind of become irrelevant. Drinking, trying not to drink, recovering from drinking, and waiting to drink, are the only things that really matter. Alcohol robs us of our ability to truly experience life.

So I will end this lengthy post by saying that I recognize that I am very fortunate. I know that people all over the world are struggling in a variety of ways always, but the struggle is tenfold for many right now. And here I am with my biggest worry being trying not to consume several bottles of wine while escaping Pandemic-land to my lovely country home for the weekend. I’m not oblivious to the fact that that’s pretty obnoxious. Hello white privilege, it’s me Robyn! Anyway, that’s a whole other topic for another day……….

For now I’m just going to try to spend this weekend being thankful and focusing my attention on the quiet beauty of my surroundings which has thus far been drowned out by the call of alcohol. Don’t bother calling this weekend alcohol. I’m busy with more important things 😊

Happy Friday everyone, xo

Challenge No. 1

Thursday January 14th, 2022

Day 10

I’ve made it to Day 10, so that feels good (But really in my head it feels more like Day 14 because I started on Jan. 1st and then slipped and drank on Day 4— but who’s counting???🤣😂👳‍♀️🙋‍♀️🙋‍♀️🙋‍♀️

I’m feeling slightly nervous however, because I have Super Challenge No. 1 coming up tonight and this weekend.

In the summer the hubby and I bought a vacation property. It’s a beautiful old, but updated farmhouse in Ontario wine country. It’s close to beautiful beaches and dozens of vineyards, wineries, cideries and breweries. People go there just to ride bikes around the beautiful countryside in the summer and do wine tasting. It was after we bought this place last summer that the real urges to start drinking after 7.5 months sober came on STRONG! We moved into the place at the end of July for a month since I’m a teacher and was off, and the hubby still working from home due to Covid. We set it all up as a beautiful, perfect little farmhouse getaway in wine country, complete with a large half-acre yard with gorgeous farm views and sunsets every day and a fire pit to sit around and watch the sunset while enjoying a glass of fine, local wine. Talk about setting myself up for failure!!

I started drinking again about two weeks after we had bought the place, moved in to start setting up, and we were on our second round of family visits with the In-laws staying with us for a week. I just broke down one night and while the hubby was out on the deck barbecuing. I quietly opened a bottle of wine, poured myself a glass, and just started drinking. I had been thinking about it a lot since we had bought the place, and I think part of me just wanted to have that experience of drinking at my farmhouse while watching the beautiful sunset and enjoying the idyllic farm views. So I can say that I’ve fully checked that box now! From August 13th to December 31st I took full advantage of drinking under every possible circumstance at the farmhouse. I drank around the campfire, drank while watching the sunset, drank while eating a lovely dinner on the deck and watching the sunset, drank on the beach with friends, drank on the beach with family, drank while making dinner at the farmhouse, drank while lazily reading a book at the farmhouse, drank with family or friends there, drank with only the hubby and I there, drank while playing Scrabble, drank while preparing Christmas dinner, drank with snow flurries falling down and the wood stove fire crackling, drank while watching Netflix, drank at some wineries and restaurants, drank at a brewery, and……..well you get the picture. I think I’ve covered it all. I’ve definitely experienced drinking at the farmhouse!

Now the key will be for me to experience the joys of NOT drinking at the farmhouse. And that’s the challenge. That place is a SUPER trigger for me and I find that as soon as we arrive I just want to crack open a bottle of wine. Because it’s a vacation home! So it’s vacation time when we’re there whether it’s a Monday, Tuesday, Friday or Saturday!

We’re heading there tonight for the weekend, and the last night I drank and slipped up was Monday January 4th when we were still there. We left on Tuesday the 5th and I haven’t drank since. So although I feel fully confident at the moment that I’m not drinking, I’m going to stick with it, there is no wiggle room or room for negotiation, I’m a bit nervous about how much of a trigger the place seems to be.

The good news is that I’m fully aware of this fact, and I’m ready to practise having new experiences that don’t involve alcohol at the farmhouse. As some have said it’s like muscle memory, the more practice I get not drinking in that setting, the easier it will become. I will try to look forward to enjoying the beauty and peace of my surroundings with the absence of nighttime blackouts, horrible sleeps, and hangovers this time 😊

Happy Thursday everyone!

Evening Troubles

Wednesday January 13th, 2021

Day 9

I’m finding the evenings a bit difficult. Especially now, mid-January, Global Pandemic, that feeling of “who cares?” starts to creep in somewhere around 5 p.m.

I wake up with lots of energy and positivity, ready to tackle the day ahead and thrilled that I didn’t drink again the night before. But then by the time I get to the end of the day I just feel sort of ‘meh’. I know that’s not a very good explanation of how I’m feeling, but that’s the best way I can think of to describe it. I don’t feel bad or depressed or anxious or sad, but I’ve lost my positive and pumped up energy from the morning and I just feel ‘meh’. It feels like my brain chemistry is operating just a little below the line of average. This feeling makes me think about drinking, just to give me a little boost back up again.

I think this has always been my issue and what has led me back to drinking over and over again. It’s like although I appreciate the calm and stable way I feel without toxins running through my body when I wake up, the novelty kind of wears off by the end of the day and I want to feel something different. I don’t know if that makes any sense, but it’s like I get bored of feeling the same way all the time and I want to change the way I feel. Is it this that makes me more susceptible to addiction, possibly? That I want to be able to change the way I feel with a snap of my fingers?

I do think that one of the most difficult parts of stopping drinking is not being able to do that anymore. If I’m feeling down or ‘meh’ it takes more work on my part to change that feeling. Rather than just cracking open a bottle and feeling the change within minutes, I have to do something that requires more effort like have a bath, go for a walk, do some yoga, etc. Having relied on alcohol to change how I feel for so long, it’s difficult to re-learn how to do that on my own without a substance. But I guess that’s what this journey is all about, discovering the ways I can manage my range of emotions without just numbing them out with alcohol. Meh and Bleh. It’s tiring sometimes……

But I will keep on keepin’ on! Hang in tbere everyone. Happy Wednesday.